1195

BOOK OF DAYS 23, 053

They think that I do not know right from wrong, but I know it better than anyone.  For the first century of my immortality, I cared so deeply that each death of a loved one was like my own death.  Eventually, all I saw were endings and loss, and I could bear it no longer.  I had two choices: destroy myself or become the very force that so enraged me, thus becoming immune.  My choice is obvious.

As an immortal, I daresay that the intensity my wants exceeds theirs because I must live with the consequences of their fulfillment or denial forever.  Therefore, the inevitable death of a human in the pursuit of my happiness was a logical transaction, much the way that a short-lived fowl is sacrified without a care so that men may have some of the sustenance to live for decades.

However, I have never needed one such as Barnabas Collins.  He is so close to reciprocating, save my inhumanity.  I sat in the drawing room, fixated on the fate of Quentin at the hands of my occult superior, and hoped that humans would settle the matter.  They cannot, and how could I expect otherwise?  To use my powers to confront Judah Zachary may be a successful gamble, but the battle would surely mean suicide.  Such a clash of wills would be the only thing that could destroy both of us.  In contemplating this, I finally understand (and, perhaps, remember) the fear and delight with which humans live.  WIth so little time, what choice have they?  Rather than find that amusing, I now find that amazing.  Such bravery!  Such urgency!  Each crisis means all.  And each joy must be embraced with zest, for it will never come again.

I see now why Barnabas could never love me.  By comparison, I am petty.  No longer.  I will prove myself to Barnabas.  Should I survive, this will be my final entry in the Book of Days.

Weighing the many crises this family has faced and the ones to come, everything is the result of Judah Zachary’s curse.  Ending that is a noble way to die or an auspicious way to begin the celebration of the fleeting life of humanity.

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